Jack and Will's screwy adventures of the Caribbean
by Nariel-of-Rivendell
Summary: Jack and Will are out sailing the high seas once again. What sort of adventures will they have? And who will they meet on their journeys? Read to find out! This story is totally messed up! Warnings inside! Please RR! JackOC and WillOC
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: We don't own any of Pirates of the Caribbean stuff.  
  
WE WARN YOU, THIS IS SCREWED UP! YOU DON'T LIKE STORIES WITH NO PLOT? DON'T LIKE WEIRD STORIES? THEN DON'T READ THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  
  
This story features David Borenez (spelling?), who we don't really like so we will take the mickey out of him. Sorry to anyone who likes him!  
  
My friend and I wrote this story one-day when we were bored. We wrote more and now it has a (loose) story line. It's supposed to be humour and that's probably why it's so random! Anyway the rating is for swearing and some references to sex, savvy? Sorry, couldn't resist!  
  
This was once know as one fucked up piece of shit, but the title wasn't a g rating, so it got taken off the site.  
  
EVERYBODY! GO SEE RETURN OF THE KING!!! It's brilliant!!!!  
  
Jack and Will's screwy adventures  
  
Chapter one: The Lost Souls. Savvy?  
  
Breeze upon the sail, sea air upon their faces, the Sun's rays warming their tanned flesh. A thin streak of land came into view.  
  
"Land ahoy, Sparrow!" said first mate Will.  
  
"Right, oars out men! ROW! Will get out my best coat and yours!" said Captain Jack Sparrow.  
  
"Aye, aye, Captain!" said Will Turner.  
  
Captain Sparrow got out his compass, if you could call it that- it doesn't point north, and moved the wheel slightly. Beneath deck was a cupboard of rum, Sparrow and Turner's favourite. Jack pulled some out and drank it.  
  
The crew looked on, jealous. They were Sparrow's friends. One had a parrot.  
  
"Land ahoy, land ahoy!" squawked the parrot. Its name was Polly.  
  
Jack took another swig of rum, swaying on his feet.  
  
"Where's the cheese? I mean, chicken leftovers?" He started laughing hysterically. Will smirked at him and climbed up the rigging to the bird's nest. Jack went back beneath deck and saw David Borenez (Whorenez more like). Anyway, David was locked up and was hairy and full of fleas, the fleas were mad at him for getting so hairy and decided to do something. So David was hung by his own fleas!  
  
There was a note on the floor. Jack read it aloud.  
  
"You dickheads! You're too late! We have hanged Gayboy, his nickname, because he was too hairy! Ha ha ha ha ha! Fleas." Jack gasped, "You wankers! But you finished him off nicely!"  
  
"MOO!" cried Daisy, the ship's cow. (A/N don't ask!) She was being hit by someone, and that someone was Violet, the old hooker with a seal laugh, that they picked up on Tortuga on Will's birthday, so she could sing "Happy Birthday" to him. But they kept her to look after Daisy.  
  
"So why was she hitting the cow?" I hear you ask. Well, it's like this. Vi, her nickname, was hitting Daisy because she wanted to eat a red cow, for some unknown reason!  
  
Will walked down the steps and Violet chased both of the hot pirates, who ran away for their lives. Along the way Will knocked over all the rum. Jack dropped to his knees in front of the mess. Suddenly he turned around to face Will.  
  
"You plonker! You've killed all the rum!" He got up and started running after Will, "Come 'ere, you rum-killing plonker!"  
  
Violet, on the other hand, was weeping over David Whorenez's body.  
  
Suddenly a great big scream came from beneath deck.  
  
"AHHHHHHHH!" Sparrow and Turner both ran beneath deck, There was Violet with her tongue stuck in David's teeth. They all laughed.  
  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" They threw Violet and David over the side. The last word they heard coming from Violet's mouth was:  
  
"You arseholes!"  
  
Then Jack turned and kneed Will in the stomach  
  
"That's for the rum!" Will doubled over in pain and then kicked Jack in the balls. They scuffled on deck, not realising that the ship was heading towards a wooden pier.  
  
"SHITTTT!" Everyone shouted.  
  
"I'll get the rum and you get the wheel!" shouted Sparrow.  
  
"Right!" said the brave, chest-hair free Will. 


	2. 2: Tortuga Blues

Disclaimer: We don't own any of Pirates of the Caribbean.  
  
WE WARN YOU, THIS IS SCREWED UP! YOU DON'T LIKE STORIES WITH NO PLOT? DON'T LIKE WEIRD STORIES? THEN DON'T READ THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  
  
THE RATING IS FOR LOTS OF SWEARING AND SOME REFERENCES TO SEX. Ye have been warned, savvy? Sorry, I couldn't resist!  
  
The story's genres are; humour, romance, action/adventure, general and some slight angst.  
  
There are a lot of inventions in this story that weren't invented anywhere near the seventeenth century. That is how the story goes!  
  
GO SEE RETURN OF THE KING!!!!!!!  
  
My friend and I wrote this story one-day when we were bored. We wrote more and now it has a (loose) story line. It's supposed to be humour and that's probably why it's so random!!  
  
This was once know as one fucked up piece of shit, but the title wasn't a g rating, so it got taken off the site.  
  
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!!  
  
Jack and Will's screwy adventures of the Caribbean.  
  
Chapter two: Tortuga Blues  
  
They docked in Tortuga, where all the crew went off looking for the nearest pub. Jack and Will went in the opposite direction.  
  
"Where are we going?" said Will. "We're goin' visitin'." Answered Jack.  
  
MEANWHILE:  
  
"You'll give us your money.or else!" A badly dressed Whore brandished a knife above a young girl's head. The girl screamed as her friend was slapped sharply around the face.  
  
"Shut up or I'll slit you throat! Now hand over the money!"  
  
Just then Will and Jack walked into the clearing, out of sight of the hookers. They drew their swords, sneaked up silently to the two slappers, grabbed them from behind and placed their swords just in front of their necks.  
  
"Now, now Janie. I don't think you want to be doing that." Jack said.  
  
"Why not, CAPTAIN Sparrow?" Janie said angrily, stressing the Captain.  
  
"Because we'll," he indicated towards Will, "be slittin' you and yer friend's pretty little throats. Now run along and go play." Jack said sarcastically.  
  
Kath, the other whore, said;  
  
"We'll deal with you later."  
  
" I don't think so." Replied Will. The two girls stalked away.  
  
"Now girls, first things first. Your names, if yer please." Jack said cockily.  
  
"And why should we tell you good for nothing pirates?"  
  
" 'Cos we just saved yer lives." The two girls thought for a second.  
  
"I 'spose that's fair. I'm Lily."  
  
"And I'm Melanie." The second girl said, a bright red hand mark appearing on her face.  
  
"Now, I take it you'll be wanting to get away from here?" Jack asked  
  
"Yes! Why?" The girls asked in unison.  
  
"Just follow us," said Will. Suddenly he stopped, "Oh no! Lily, Melanie, run!"  
  
"Why?" asked Lily.  
  
"Because.."  
  
PAAAARRRRRFFFFF! Sparrow had just farted. It shook the whole island.  
  
"Hang on. I'm goin' to be sick!" Lily screamed. She ran up to Janie and threw up all over her. It was green and lumpy, with orange bits in that looked like carrots, oh yeah it also had hairballs in it (A/N sorry, this is disgusting. I didn't write it, my friend did). They all laughed, except Janie and Kath, who had some over her as well.  
  
"Sorry, I need a big shit! And I mean it!" said Captain Shitarrow (Sparrow).  
  
"Oh god! Well you'll have to go in the sea!" Will said, panicky.  
  
"ARRGGHH! URRRR! Squeeze really tight and then let loose!" (I didn't make that up. It's from scary movie two, which I don't own, sadly)  
  
PLOP!!!!! Jack Sparrow had a very big shit in the sea. About seven fish floated to the surface with he shit.  
  
"I've got dinner sorted!" Jack cried joyously.  
  
"NOW can we go?" asked Will.  
  
Jack wiped his arse quickly on some driftwood and got splinters in his buttocks.  
  
" You can get them out later luv. Savvy?" He winked at Lily, who giggled and blushed, "Don't worry, I'll wash it first!"  
  
Will rolled his eyes and then looked meaningfully at Melanie. She started singing "where is the love?" and Will looked deeper into her eyes with a spark of love in his.  
  
Suddenly a helicopter flew over and the Navy came down and fined jack 50 shillings for having a shit in the sea. Sparrow got really annoyed.  
  
" You fucking bastards! It was only some shit!" But in the end he paid up and the Navy flew off (A/N fuck knows why they're in the Navy if they fly around in a helicopter! My friend writes the fucked up bits mostly).  
  
Suddenly everything froze and the writers appeared.  
  
Writer one (me): This is one fucked up piece of shit.  
  
Writer two (my friend): I agree.  
  
Then they disappeared without a trace. Everything unfroze and went back to the story.  
  
"Back to the ship for rum and loving!" Jack shouted, getting cries of agreement in return.  
  
"Right, I'm in the bed with Captain Jack Sparrow, the shitty buttocks boy!" said Lily,  
  
"Fine by me!" Melanie replied.  
  
BACK ON THE SHIP:  
  
Will looked down and saw he had a hole in his jaunty little socks.  
  
"Ah crap." He said.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll sew it up for you." Melanie got out her needle and grey thread from nowhere and sewed the hole in his sock up.  
  
"Thanks." He smiled handsomely and kissed her on the lips. Lily pretended to be sick again and Jack looked away.  
  
"Shut up Lil!"  
  
LATER ON THE SHIP:  
  
Jack ran a hot bubbly jacuzzi and got out his yellow duck, called Quack. He dropped Quack in, stripped off all his clothes, save for his boxers, then jumped in. The duck floated around on the bubbles.  
  
Suddenly Lily came in, wearing only a bikini.  
  
"Oh sorry Captain. You don't mind if I share it with you?"  
  
"Jump in!" So lily jumped in with him and they sang a song.  
  
"Quack, du, du, du, du, du, du, du, du, quack, quack!" (A/N from one of my friend's favourite adverts) They both laughed. Jack held Lily and their eyes met.  
  
"Yer sittin' on Quack!" Jack said, aghast.  
  
"Sorry!"  
  
" That's all right'."  
  
They both laughed again and snogged for at least five minutes.  
  
MEANWHILE:  
  
Melanie sat Will's bed, humming the tune to "superstar" by Jamelia. She had her eyes closed and didn't see Will come in, topless. He came up behind her and started massaging her shoulders.  
  
" You've got a nice tan Melanie." Will said.  
  
She turned around and hugged Will tightly.  
  
"You know, my friends call me Mel. Don't tell Jack though." They started snogging. After a while Will stopped and went to get a snack. He came back a few minutes later with a handful of cookies.  
  
He didn't look where he was going and his feet got tangled up in his shirt. He tripped up and knocked into Mel, pushng them both onto the bed. They kissed and got into the bed. Will asked Mel about her life, so they talked about that for a while, then Will blew out the candle and.. well you can guess what happened next, right? Those of you that can't, for one reason or another, they had sex.  
  
Back in the bathroom, Lily and Jack got out the jacuzzi and dried each other off. Jack touched Lily's face lightly and said:  
  
"I love you." Lily smiled.  
  
They wrapped their towels around them and Lily ran into Jack's large cabin. She got into the bed. Meanwhile Jack was getting a bottle of rum. He came into the cabin and did a running jump onto the bed. He blew the candle out.  
  
" Ouch, you fucking bottle, you're cold!" Jack cried after dropping the rum in his lap (plonker). They both drank the rum and then started singing.  
  
"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Then they had sex.  
  
That's chapter two!!!! R/R please? Pretty please with Will and Jack on top? 


	3. 3: Rum And Porridge

Disclaimer: We don't own any of Pirates of the Caribbean.  
  
WE WARN YOU, THIS IS SCREWED UP! YOU DON'T LIKE STORIES WITH NO PLOT? DON'T LIKE WEIRD STORIES? THEN DON'T READ THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  
  
THE RATING IS FOR LOTS OF SWEARING AND SOME REFERENCES TO SEX. Ye have been warned, savvy? Sorry, I couldn't resist!  
  
The story's genres are; humour, romance, action/adventure, general and some slight angst.  
  
There are a lot of inventions in this story that weren't invented anywhere near the seventeenth century. That is how the story goes!  
  
GO SEE RETURN OF THE KING!!!!!!!  
  
My friend and I wrote this story one-day when we were bored. We wrote more and now it has a (loose) story line. It's supposed to be humour and that's probably why it's so random!!  
  
This was once know as one fucked up piece of shit, but the title wasn't a g rating, so it got taken off the site.  
  
Jack and Will's screwy adventures of the Caribbean.  
  
Chapter three: Rum and.porridge?!  
  
MORNING  
  
Cock-a-doodle-do! Lily and Melanie were already up making porridge for Jack and Will and eating weet-a-bix. Jack and Will walked in.  
  
"Morning jack, morning Will!" Jack's hair was a frizzball and Will's needed gel but they sat down and ate weet-a-bix.  
  
"Lily, luv, can you get me a cold rum, savvy?" Jack asked.  
  
"Sure captain!" Lily replied sarcastically.  
  
After breakfast Lily did Jack's hair.  
  
"Oh, that fucking hurt!" whined Jack. Will and Mel could hear him from where they were standing in the next room.  
  
Ding, dong, ding, dong!  
  
The mailman delivered some post. There was a letter for Will. They postie charged them three shillings.  
  
"You fucking rip us off, you skiving midget!" shouted jack, slamming the door.  
  
Ding, dong, ding, dong! "Who the fuck is that now?!" said Will, opening the door.  
  
"Hey rum, hey rum, get in my beer belly tum! Woah!" It was the six- man drunken crew.  
  
"Hey, Jack and Will, what whores did you pick up last night? Can I have a bit?" One man said.  
  
"EXCUSE ME?! WHO ARE YOU CALLING WHORES, FATTIE?!" shouted Lily.  
  
"We're no whores, we are jack and Will's new GIRLFRIENDS! GOT IT?!" Mel cried.  
  
"Yeah." said fattie. Jack kissed Lily on the lips and hit the beer bellied man upside the head.  
  
" You thick shit! Me an' Will love these women and you will treat them with respect, savvy?! Good! Rum all aound?" said Jack.  
  
"YEAH!!!" everyone answered. Even Mel and Will couldn't resist a swig. By the end of the morning thirty whole bottles had been drunk, most of them by Jack.  
  
"You've never had friend like me! Wat du wa, wa wa! Wat du wa, wa wa. You've never had a friend like me!" sang Captain Jack sparrow.  
  
"What's that and where's it from?" questioned Will.  
  
"It's a song and it's from that video, Aladdin, haven't you seen it?" said Captain Jack Sparrow.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh, you should, it's good!" 


	4. 4:The play, the fight, the hookers and i...

Disclaimer: We don't own any of Pirates of the Caribbean.  
  
WE WARN YOU, THIS IS SCREWED UP! YOU DON'T LIKE STORIES WITH NO PLOT? DON'T LIKE WEIRD STORIES? THEN DON'T READ THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  
  
THE RATING IS FOR LOTS OF SWEARING AND SOME REFERENCES TO SEX. Ye have been warned, savvy? Sorry, I couldn't resist!  
  
The story's genres are; humour, romance, action/adventure, general and some slight angst( for all you thick ones like me this means anger/sadness) (I'm not really sure?).  
  
There are a lot of inventions in this story that weren't invented anywhere near the seventeenth century. That is how the story goes!  
  
My friend and I wrote this story one-day when we were bored. We wrote more and now it has a (loose) story line. It's supposed to be humour and that's probably why it's so random!!  
  
This was once know as one fucked up piece of shit, but the title wasn't a g rating, so it got taken off the site.  
  
Jack and Will's screwy adventures of the Caribbean.  
  
Chapter four: the play, the fight, the hookers, and it all happened in one day!  
  
The crew, Will, Melanie, Lily and Jack all decided to go to a play on Shakespeare's Macbeth.  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen. Oh and Captain Jack Sparrow!"  
  
"Ha ha ha!" the crowd laughed. Jack, Will, Melanie and Lily sat at the back.  
  
HALFWAY THROUGH  
  
"Zzzzzzzzzz." Jack Sparrow was snoring.  
  
"Jack wake up!" Jack awoke with six angry actors and a mob of crowd looking at him, mad.  
  
"I didn't want to watch this shit play! I mean look, Lady Macbeth is flat- chested and she has an arse the size of my ship!" said Jack.  
  
"Ooooooh! Cuss, cuss!" the crowd jeered.  
  
"I'm going to watch match of the day, England versus Hungary. See you wankers later!" shouted Jack.  
  
"Jack what the fuck were you doing? You made a fool of yourself!" said Lily, very annoyed. She slapped him sharply because he kept looking at other women. Jack stormed off to the pub.  
  
"I'm gonna go with him." Will said.  
  
"But we've got the back seats to ourselves!" Melanie protested  
  
"Well, yeah but he's me mate and I gotta go with him." He looked apologetically at Melanie, but she scowled and looked away.  
  
"Oh, come on!" Will groaned.  
  
"Just go Will!"  
  
"Fine!" Will got up and walked out.  
  
AT THE LAUNGERIE PUB  
  
Jack was sitting at the table with five whores on one side, five whores on another and one sitting on his lap. He was having his chest massaged by two of them. He was telling them his heroic story. Will came in but decided to sit a the bar because he was upset.  
  
OUTSIDE THE GLOBE THEATRE  
  
"Melanie I feel really bad about doing that to Jack." Said Lily.  
  
"Oh, I feel sorry about what I did to Will." Said Melanie.  
  
"Shall we go and see them?"  
  
"Yeah, alright." So they both went to the Laungerie pub. Melanie saw Will and walked over to him. Lily followed the sound of Jack's loud voice. She stopped and started talking to Jack not looking at him.  
  
"Jack, I'm really sor." She lifted her head and gasped. Jack looked at Lily, stunned. Lily stared back at him.  
  
"Jack, I can't believe I came here to say sorry and you're surrounded by women!" said Lily, crying. She ran out of the pub. Jack continued talking.  
  
Melanie made her way over to Will. Rum bottles, -10 in all - every shape and size surrounded him. He had his head propped up in his palms. A lady walked up to him and said something into his ear. Will turned to look at her blearily.  
  
"Will?" Melanie whispered quietly. The "lady" (she was actually a hooker) glared at her and pulled Will into a kiss. Tears welled up in Mel's eyes and she choked. Will heard her, gasped and failed like a fish out of water, then fell off the stool. He looked up at her and went to speak but no words came out.  
  
"Ye finally became a pirate then. Ye ain't no pirate until you've cheated on a girl!" Jack called from across the pub.  
  
"Something you would know all about, Sparrow!" shouted Melanie angrily.  
  
" It's Captain Jack Sparrow, luv."  
  
"Don't "luv" me!" She walked up to Sparrow and slapped him soundly across the face.  
  
"Not sure I deserved that!"  
  
"It's not from me, it's from my friend!" A commotion broke out at the table as a whore pushed Melanie and the rest joined in. She squeezed her eyes shut, held her arms up over her face and waited for it to end.  
  
Suddenly she felt some strong arms wrap around her, shielding her body from the slaps and scratches she kept receiving.  
  
"Will?" She opened her eyes.  
  
"C'mon we're getting out of here!" He pushed a girl out of his way. He picked up Mel and carried her out of the bar. She laid her forehead against his muscled shoulder and started sobbing.  
  
"Shh, shh, it's alright now." He stroked her hair softly.  
  
BACK IN THE BAR  
  
"Luv, you alright?" said Jack anxiously.  
  
"I will be." Jack pushed the girl on his lap off and placed the hurt one on his lap. He started to snog her.  
  
Will put Melanie down and went back into the pub  
  
"Jack, you coming or are you goin' to continue exchanging saliva with that. thing and lose Lily forever? Or have you already forgotten about her?" asked Will' looking pissed (in both ways).  
  
"Yeah actually! Will you go back to the ship and I'll be there. Savvy?" grinned Jack.  
  
"You're one sick bastard, you know that? You don't care for anyone but yourself! Fuck you!" Will ran out of the pub, swayed on the spot, picked up Melanie and ran back to the ship where Lily was. She was packing her stuff and crying.  
  
"Lily?" said Melanie.  
  
"Stay back or I'll kill myself!" cried Lily. She raised Jack's pistol to her head.  
  
Ha ha ha!!!!! Cliffie! 


End file.
